Bridge of Hope.

Image from the Dana Farber walkway mural entitle Bridge of Hope.

By Kristina

Personally - and I speak for myself only, I am over the hump after almost a year of waiting for test results and treatment plans, weighing options and learning about this very tricky and unpredictable disease.

I have finally accepted that Danny has aggressive stage 3 prostate cancer, something that is and was almost unbelievable to me for months and months. As we started treatment last week I felt we are finally on the road to the C-word. The CURE. Now we have a fighting chance. There is a good possibility of a cure. There is a good possibility of a good amount of years living with chronic disease. So let’s do this.

At times this trip has been very difficult and emotional – always waiting for results that may or may not lead you to another treatment, or another option to consider, more research and more thinking and weighing options. The phone calls with results, a lot of speaking to doctors. A lot of research (which I resented in the beginning) and getting informed, going through stages: denial, denial, denial, acceptance, empowerment and lastly tiger fighting spirit. That is where we are now. I know so much about this disease, and I am informed to the point of being able to be helpful in deciding about Danny’s treatment moving forward.

As I am finally able to talk about this without feeling the hurt of the disease sinking to the bottom of my soul and settling in a pool of sheer panic. By chance I have connected with people that also are dealing with cancer, and by some miracle I find friendship and consolation there. There are so many people close to me that have cancer right now, it is easy to dismiss as something mundane and something acceptable in life. But it is never that. No one who does not actually have cancer understands what it is to have cancer. It is in you, and you may die from it depending on outcome, how your cells behave in your body. Your cure may depend on luck, or who you happen to talk to or be referred to.

People with cancer is like a clan – we share information, we connect instantly joined by an instant understanding. I spoke to a woman today who is doing some work for me – 20 minutes on the phone was an amazing experience – turns out she is living with a rare form of cancer. She shared her resources and I shared ours. And that is good, that is OK. Somewhere there is a lot to learn here, being part of a bigger picture, helping each other.

There is no point in talking about hurt here, I am over that - how innocent and seemingly helpful remarks hurt because the person did not consider Danny as an individual and his disease as unique. Danny was and is inevitably a statistic to them. And that hurts. Nobody should be a statistic, ever. Friends who we expected to be supportive turned out to be absent and the least supportive. On the other hand, some people that I expected nothing from have been amazing and understanding beyond measure. Some people have completely disappeared from our lives. So it is, plus and minus. But the sum of it all is that I feel lucky to be with Danny in all of this and feeling my feelings, whatever they may be. We will make the best of this, and for me the best would be able to be of help to other people living with cancer as well as a cure for Danny.

I listened to a program on the radio talking about advances in cancer research and heard that they have made amazing strides in certain types of cancer treatments, one of them multiple myeloma. It is 20 years since my father died of that type of cancer. Had he been diagnosed today he would have had another outcome most likely.

I also understand that you have to get to a place where you drop the fear and start the fight. Get on top and take control. It will empower you.